Tuesday, 19 June 2007

A fairytale love story for Dubai's most glamorous couple

Glowing with happpiness and pre-marital dewy delight, ITP sales supremo and frequent Ahlan Top 100er Neil Petch, and his beautiful model girlfriend Olga, are delighted to announce their wedding website, at www.neilandolga.com

Guests will enter to the beautiful strains of Ella Fitzgerald singing Dream A Little Dream in a stunning Flash presentation designed by one of Dubai's hottest web designers.

On the front page the bride-to-be wears a stunning yellow Cavalli cocktail dress, showing off the elegant curves that Neil so admires. The model's long blonde tresses flow free about her shoulders, and the look is finished off with simple diamond stud earrings and a deep red rose. Neil is resplendent in a dapper Armani jacket and crisp white linen shirt.

The couple have decorated their website in a theme of floral pink with Copperplate font details, designed to add a touch of romance and elegance to every page. As they invite us into their beautiful cyber-home, Neil reveals what first made him fall in love with his beautiful model girlfriend.

"My lovely fiancée Olga is a luminous beacon of joy," the proud groom-to-be confesses. "Kind, sexy, funny, wise, Olga has it all. Beats me how one can be modest with all that, but she’s that too, in spades."

As the couple recline in a photographed beach, Olga models a daring Gucci bikini and jaunty sunhat. Neil, after enjoying a Cuban cigar with the many VIP media and celebrity friends that will join him for his stag night, shows off his bronzed pecs as he frolics in the surf of a pristine golden beach.

75 comments:

kate moss said...

I'm not lucky enough to have been invited to the Wedding of the Year, which makes Steven Gerrard's look positively pikey in comparison. It may be a blessing in disguise.

Apparently, the dress code is as follows: "Gucci is encouraged; Armani will do splendidly; even a spot of Versace might look nice."

This would have put me in a frightful bind, as I'm contracted to wear nothing but British designers these days.

Love and kisses, Kate xxxxx

Anonymous said...

A pretentious tosser. That's what he is.

Anonymous said...

Agreed - one notorious ITPer says that he belongs in the 'Not 100' rather than the 'Hot 100'. I think that's quite apt.

Hugh Jarce said...

I wonder where they met?

He does/did frequent such venerable establishmnets as Cyclone and The York Hotel.

Think about it...

Anonymous said...

I just vomited a little in my mouth.

This trashy, nouveau, Eurotrash kind of behaviour represents all that is wrong with Ahlan and Dubai 'Society'.

Repulsive people.

Barf.

Anonymous said...

Just when I thought this town couldn't get any more ridiculous, just when I thought people here couldn't get any more appalling, just when I thought the press release about air conditioned golf buggies at the Montgomerie Golf Course epitomised everything that is grotesque about this town, along comes the wedding of the dwarf and Blow White...

Anonymous said...

All I can say is Thank God I left Dubai and these pathetic trashy people behind.

Anonymous said...

I've never wanted to visit Dubai, but this has confirmed it - I never want to go to this land that taste forgot. It seems to be a meeting/breeding ground for all those around the world who have no class/restraint/sophistication, and are happy to wallow around in gold-plating and designer cast-offs (that couldn't sell anywhere else) like pigs in filth.

"My lovely fiancée Olga is a luminous beacon of joy,"

I just shot out a luminous beacon of vomit.

Anonymous said...

http://www.neilandolga.com/rsvp.asp

It appears the RSVP is open to all...

Anonymous said...

this isn't serious is it?

Anonymous said...

Why would someone create a website that makes them look such an utter wanker?

Anonymous said...

I would expect nothing less of Mr Petch and his lovely... uh, bride.

I wish the couple all the very best as they try to reinvent themselves as a class act.

Does anyone else remember Neil's ex-wife Nancy?

Anonymous said...

That's you lot off the invitation list, you pack of embittered, green-eyed, raggy-arsed, cynical, Smart-car-driving morons.

Love and best wishes, Neilxx

PS If you're stuck for ideas from the present list, no-one's yet ticked off the toaster from Everything's A Dirham.

itpjourno said...

That site is superb. I thought 'The Office' was clever but that's something else.

The Viva Beavers said...

OHHHH NO! we had clubbed together for the toaster - perhaps we'll have to go for the fondue set? We've already approached the PR people at Gucci and Armani to borrow our outfits for the event. Do you think we can get free flights on Emirates if we run a nice competition?

Anonymous said...

Do you think Neil's flogged ad banners on the site?

Anonymous said...

Now we're just waiting for someone to claim the website is an exercise in irony.

pammy and gerry said...

Is this little twat for real???? The lovely Nancy did herself a real favour there by moving on to bigger and much better things

robert s said...

A suite at the Burj? Champagne? Fancy yellow Graff engagement ring? Christ, Neil, I'm obviously paying you too much.

Anonymous said...

Dogging meets blogging!

Christ, they've set up this 'swingers' site and they're not even married yet. Talk about planning for the future.

ScreenSlaver x

Anonymous said...

Don't it make you proud to be a Dubaian?

Quite how you get to these heights of utter tosserdom is beyond me.

And why I'm wasting valuable seconds of my life on shite like this is beyond me, too...

Oh well...

Anonymous said...

Have had that tune in my head for 24 hours now!

Anonymous said...

Talking of tossers, I can't be sure I've not played soapy fist over someone who looked a lot like her on a hooky DVD...

chris said...

Ow! Oh God! My eyes!

Anonymous said...

twats the pair of them

Anonymous said...

You couldnt make this stuff up ! That web site made me laugh and then puke. Im sure i banged the girl though..... well she was probably from the same village.

Anon

Anonymous said...

I suspect he will bulshit about the number of hits that website gets, like many of the ITP sites....

Anonymous said...

Oh you sad sad people. I don't even feel sorry for this insanity of a wedding. This is an insult to the sacred institution of marriage. If I were you, I'd post a mass apology explaining how dumb it was to come up with a hair brained idea ie. www.neilandolga.com

R...

Anonymous said...

All rights reserved, in case anyone was thinking about taking any of the content, or the concept, and passing it off as their own.

That's the kicker. All rights reserved. Oh dear.

Anonymous said...

Damn, it's copyright protected? I was just mid cut and pasting it as a news story for Ahlan.

Anonymous said...

He thinks he's Robert Redford.

Egotistical pervert.

"Tarquin! Pass me my G&T!"

Anonymous said...

i've never in my life seen such a wanker...she'll wake in a year or two and we'll all be invited to wedding no 3 to the chic from Bangkok in 4/5 years time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

This is the most important day of my life. I can't understand why you would do this to anyone.

Petch is a cunt said...

The best Petch stories:
1. Robert Serafin attempted to fire him. Petch went down on his knees and begged to stay (and I don't mean metaphorically). Serafin relented. It triggered Gavin Dickinson's walkout from ITP as he'd been offered Petch's job.
2. He was so offensive at a polo tournament in the way he chased every bit of skirt that Andrew Neil complained about him being predatory. Yes, Andrew Neil.
3. He insists on being in the Ahland Hot 100 although each year the staff make the pcitures smaller. Anil Bhoyrul got hold of the pre-Photoshop versions of the pictures but Serafin stopped him from publishing them.
Anybody got any more?

Anonymous said...

Did you see that BBC documentary about Dubai? Dubai Dreams or Dreaming or something like that. If I'd seen the episode with Petch in I'd never have come to Dubai

Anonymous said...

He sums up Dubai: a talentless, charmless chancer who'd never make it anywhere else in the world but happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Anonymous said...

I don't like using the word cunt. But in Neil Petch's case I'm willing to make an obsession.

Another ITPer said...

A member of staff here does a great Petch impression as he flounces through the room clutching his gym bag over his shoulder as he goes for another three hour lunch break.

Anonymous said...

RE the Ahlan Hot 100.
Yes, he used to stand leaking oily and malodorous charm over the poor Ahlan team, personally overseeing the design layouts and making sure his picture was prominent enough.
Then, after several revisions, and once the magazine had finally been put to bed, bounding back to make some 'final tweaks' (enlarging photos with him in it, making sure his improbably photoshopped visage was sufficiently central.

Megalomaniac.

P.S The RSVP is not the only thing in the wedding that's been open to all...

(sorry).

Anonymous said...

What is it about Petch that compels him to have his photo taken with dogs on a beach?

ScreenSlaver x

Anonymous said...

leave them alone!
Some of the pics are in poor taste but I'm sure we've all got better things to do!
Lets wish them well and move on already!

Anonymous said...

If you put it out there like that, you deserve everyting you get.

Anonymous said...

Introducing WANKER and WANKRESS.

Nulli Secundus said...

I remember "Pikey" Petch and his lower middle class inferiority complex worn like a neon sign on the chips on his shoulder, as he trailed round Newmarket races after his kind and lovely first wife Nancy,bristling with inadequacy, and even then thought "something to do with women...ends in ..UNT, and it's not "aunt".Think of his children: what have they done to deserve a father like that? As for the new "missus"....wwho else has seen her on one of those web sites that has something to do with a Ford car, no longer made, but not Cortina or Mondeo.....

What's wrong with everyone? said...

No doubt I'll be accused of having no sense of humour for this post, but here goes.

When this website launched it was a chance for us to have some serious debate about the issues that affect all of us, as well as to swap some anonymous tips. Instead it's degenerated into anonymous bitching and character assassination. I don't like Neil Petch. I think his website is horribly over the top. But the guy's getting married. Does he really deserve to have people call his fiancee a prostitute based on, as far as I'm aware, nothing more than the fact she has an East European name?

Dubai has more than its fair share of jokers, but there are also some people that I respect. Most of them have now been the victim of personal attacks on this website, usually with nothing to do with their ability as journalists.

I shudder to think what impression this website gives prospective employers of Dubai journalists. I for one don't intend to visit it again.

Anonymous said...

"What's wrong with everyone? said..."

Have a Kit-Kat mate. You can't really expect the country's sterling press corps to ignore such a glorious target and vent appropriate spleen. With regards to future employers, fuck ‘em. Journalists are treated like shit in this town (by employers), paid badly and have career-melting restrictions forced upon them by witless managers who's literal notion of a free press is hacks working for peanuts. In terms of prestige, I'd be more concerned about overpaid halfwits flaunting their preposterous lifestyles on the internet than a Dubai blog. If senior staff at ITP feel it’s necessary to post hideously saccharine images of themselves and their thonged partners then so be it, but don’t expect the kids back at the farm not to throw mud. On that note, has anyone seen Ian Fairservice’s ‘official’ 2006 Christmas card. Val Doonican meets Die Hard 2.

ScreenSlaver x

Anonymous said...

Quote of the day: " Can'take a hoe a house wife". kurupt

Anonymous said...

Did you mean 'can't make a hoe a house wife.'
And there are people that still remember her from back in the day!

Anonymous said...

tooting your own horn... nice

Anonymous said...

what is this white trash? a symptom of all that's wrong with dubai, this lot. get rid of them, someone, please.

Anonymous said...

What do you expect, Dubai is known for being a chav-magnet. We get the worst calibre of expats anywhere.

Anonymous said...

But why is that? What is it about Dubai that makes it a chav magnet? No other Middle Eastern country has that specific probelm. Thoughts anyone??

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it's open to chavs and chavs follow trends. Wait til Iran opens up. Someone'll write a travel article, the chavs will descend. Chavs are basically harmless in Dubai. In Iran they will spark a revolution by virtue of the essence of their personality.

Anonymous said...

every other Middle Eastern country is a chav magnet. white trash roolz!

Anonymous said...

Very sad. Some people have no class.

robotandspark said...

You lot are ever so cruel. Just because the guy looks like Princess Diana's former homosexual butler Paul Burrell, doesnt mean he's not entitled to a bit of slap and tickle with Linda Barkers older communist sister.

Personally I applaud the arrogance of this fudge head and his twig-head wife-to-be. Give the man a knighthood, I say; Arise Sir Petch!

Anonymous said...

I've never met Neil Petch or his luminous beacon thong thing.

And that's fine with me. I'm not convinced that meeting him or her will enrich my existence.

However, this string of comments brings to the fore a far more interesting issue than character assassination of these two sad individuals.

The pure spitting vitriol, damning humour, biting witticisms - and some fine writing - let loose here has restored my faith in Dubai and Dubai hacks.

What's become clear is that there are some decent writers about, with something to say, often funny, and usually on the money.

By the way. To all those soft shandy-drinking shitebags whingeing that he deserves to be "given a break," cos, "he's getting married," etc...

You're quite wrong.

He's fair game. And by association, so is she.

Anonymous said...

I have one word.....UNBELIEVABLE...actually make that two words.....UNBELIEVABLY SAD!!

Anonymous said...

this pretender used to be married to Nancy and has a kid or two ... and now he has trapped this woman, who might be half his age probably. I have known this man since the day he stepped into Dubai. here's my warning - avoid this man at any cost.

Anonymous said...

rumour has it he's a one inch wonder - well guess this confirms it

Anonymous said...

The site has reached a whole legion of new fans, as it has just been mentioned on the popbitch newsletter.

Anonymous said...

How long has Joe Pesci been going out with Anthea Turner?

Anonymous said...

I have not laughed so heartily for a long time, Neil Petch it would appear is a complete Terry Fuckwit, who I'm sure will rue the day he decided to create this website.

When he finally pulls his head out of his arse I'm sure he will think what the fuck have I done.

Until then keep up the good work you Dubai based hacks!!!

I look forward to returning to this site for a further dose or mirth.

Marry A Twat said...

I can't see how the choice of copperplate fonts and a pink fluffy background have added a touch of class to this website. Also the heavily liquified photo of the bride on the "Neil and Olga" page is hilarious. She has no pores! Shrek and Mrs Shrek. Sign me up to the divorce mailing list please, I bet that website will be one worth bookmarking!

Anonymous said...

Neil Pash (he hates it if you call him this) is a through-bred Zimbabwean wanker.

Anonymous said...

Where in the name of sanity do they come from???pretentious 24kt publicity seeking assholes,I am amazed that they havn't had the neck to request his royal highness sheik Muhammed to loan them his new super yacht and crew. Get a PR job for Al-Queda neil you will put them out of buisness in a week,the NORMAL hard working expat's living in Dubai must cringe when they read this shit.
I lived and worked in Dubai in 70's, you mate would never have lasted a week in the expat community then,they would have given you a one way ticket back to where ever you crawled out from.
Oh!! putrid Pete's Kate's brain dead boyfriend (sic)wants to know where his invite has got to!!?
We contacted Hallo magazine to see if they would pay you for photo's of the trashy wedding,but we are led to believe from reliable sources that you had already been in touch,any sadly (thank God) they have had to decline as they don't have 99p to spare,they have offered a disposable £1.99 camera which they will forward on to you.
We agree with robert that he is paying you to much for whatever you do(can't be a real Job)can't be doing his firm any good with all this crap flying about on the web.
We have to go now as we have to drill another hole(not Olga's you pratt fancy thinking that?)to get some more oil flowing and EARN our $$$$ plus revenue for the Company,and the locals so they can build some more fancy places for tosser's like you to make a complete wanker of yourself.
We would invite you out to the Rig for a photo shoot,BUT! our head office has said NO WAY HOSE!!!they would like to continue working in the Gulf.
We sincerely hope this site of yours disappears along with you and Olga UGH!! Basra would be good,give our troops and the brits a real incentive to kick ass and come home.
Don't waste a invitation on us buddy,we can't afford to be off sick in our line of work.

Anonymous said...

Are rumours correct that Neil is no longer at ITP?

Anonymous said...

Have they had cheek implants?At first I thought it was a catalougue or maybe a holiday ad for the single man over fifty.I watched Dubai dreams and could have sworn he was with a different chic on that,and was quite nauseating listening to him on the telephone schmoozing another model.
But alas Dubai loves these twats...hence why we are all looking at his look I have pulled a porn star web site.

Anonymous said...

He is the most pretentious man on earth. I remember him saying of his then fiancee Nancy "my love for her is utterly unrequited" until someone told him what that meant.

Anonymous said...

I hate Dubai…

Seriously, give any chavvy wide-boy a media sales job in Dubai… get them a girlfriend with an exotic sounding name… and they think they’re high society all of a sudden.

New money.

Yuck.

Anonymous said...

I checked Neil Petch on Linkedin. The dick has not mentioned ITP at all. He he. Must have read a secret Zimbabwe Handbook on HR.

Anonymous said...

He left ENG 1 year ago. Another complete failure. He launched a new company where people can register a new company in Fujairah Freezone.
This guy is a FRAUD. Don't do business with him.

Anonymous said...

This man continues to live in the fantasy of The Raj.

Anonymous said...

.... just heard that he's left his wife for another 20 years old model. What the..........? Still being married to Olga....... And they don't even hide!

Anonymous said...

He is a dirty man. Playing dirty games. What a looser, really! He kicked his wife Olga out. And moved in with 20 years old model. Still being married to Olga. God help her she is such an adorable pure heart. Olga, we love you all, you know it. Whole Dubai turned against him now.. Superficial looser. But I believe karma exists.....