The Magnificence of Mr Mugabe

Superb thread submission:
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Are ITP and AMG going for the World Dictatorship Tour 2008?

While you might think it was difficult to top the Arabian Business visit to China (one week after the brutal supression of dissent in Nepal) that resulted in some of the least critical commentary in media history, ITP has gone one better by sending Ahlan! to Zimbabwe in the same week it saw the collapse of a democratic election and - hey! - the brutal supression of dissent.

Best quotes? (From the Zimbabwe Chronicle):

"The journalists talked much about their expeditions in the county and one of the touring journalists, Kate Hazell of ITP, a media group with over 200 publications that covers most countries in the Middle East was overwhelmed by the tourism packages, which the country has on offer. "It’s not my first time in Zimbabwe, I was once here sometime back. I didn’t know one can afford to do hunting as well," said Hazell."

Full marks too to AMG's Adam Wilson, who's quoted as saying:

"I work for a publication that focuses mainly on business. Our readers are mainly top business executives and I hope that if I can write all what I have seen they will be interested in the opportunities that exist here both in terms of investment and leisure."

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Next up: Grazia covers Pyongyang Fashion Week.

Come On Eileen

You're everyone's favourite and most respected PR exec in Dubai, so why are you lowering yourself to the Ahlan! Shit 100?

It's a shame betting's forbidden in Dubai, or we could run a book here on what spectacularly crap nonentities will slime themselves into the list this year (along with a few token charidee people to show us that being Shit! Hot! is not just about being driven around in Neil Petch's wankmobile).

On a more serious note, if you're bored of London then you're probably bored of Dubai. Because Dubai is just London (but crapper) and ten years too late. The rise and decline of London as a pan-Arab media hub is the most prophetic synopsis of Dubai's media scene ever penned [our bold]:

In its heyday, London was home to scores of Arabic publications of diverse provenance, function and quality: From lavishly-subsidised journals with pretensions to a worldwide readership, political publications of every persuasion and cheaply-printed dissident tracts, to glossy lifestyle magazines, sophisticated cultural titles and mischievous (or merely mercenary) gossip-purveyors.

A fairytale love story for Dubai's most glamorous couple

Glowing with happpiness and pre-marital dewy delight, ITP sales supremo and frequent Ahlan Top 100er Neil Petch, and his beautiful model girlfriend Olga, are delighted to announce their wedding website, at www.neilandolga.com

Guests will enter to the beautiful strains of Ella Fitzgerald singing Dream A Little Dream in a stunning Flash presentation designed by one of Dubai's hottest web designers.

On the front page the bride-to-be wears a stunning yellow Cavalli cocktail dress, showing off the elegant curves that Neil so admires. The model's long blonde tresses flow free about her shoulders, and the look is finished off with simple diamond stud earrings and a deep red rose. Neil is resplendent in a dapper Armani jacket and crisp white linen shirt.

The couple have decorated their website in a theme of floral pink with Copperplate font details, designed to add a touch of romance and elegance to every page. As they invite us into their beautiful cyber-home, Neil reveals what first made him fall in love with his beautiful model girlfriend.

"My lovely fiancée Olga is a luminous beacon of joy," the proud groom-to-be confesses. "Kind, sexy, funny, wise, Olga has it all. Beats me how one can be modest with all that, but she’s that too, in spades."

As the couple recline in a photographed beach, Olga models a daring Gucci bikini and jaunty sunhat. Neil, after enjoying a Cuban cigar with the many VIP media and celebrity friends that will join him for his stag night, shows off his bronzed pecs as he frolics in the surf of a pristine golden beach.

Ahlan's turgid 100

Having just got back from a holiday in the land of civilisation, it's taken me a while to clicking through the Ahlan top 100 online. I didn't think this display of egos, money and lack of taste could get any worse. I was wrong - what a list of dross.

I can't understand any logic or rationale in having people like Sharla Musaibih (women's shelter) or the lady who campaigns for the blind alongside a load of wanky DJs and owners of a couple of clothes shops, alongside a few random Emiratis placed solely for wasta/desperation/ad revenue purposes. Special mention goes to the entire AlZa'al family - I was almost disappointed not to see their servants and dogs with their own rankings.

And as for the ghastly horror that said this: her "dream Dubai project" would be to create an entirely different kind of exhibition. "I'd like to open a floating visual room of powerful images for everyone to step into and experience," Emma says.

I'd like to open a room full of the shredded viscera of every single person on this godforsaken list (except the charity people who should never have been tarred with Ahlan's drossy brush in the first place) and cram Ahlan's entire readership into it lock the bloody door until their Botoxed faces start to shrivel and they self-combust with the horror of spending an entire year without being seen at Sho Cho/Boudoir/BloodyBuddha Bar. Perhaps that fantasy will get me a listing in next year's Shite100?

The only good point was that a couple of hideously fake expat brats I know dropped out of the rankings, as did Neil "I have lots of cars and am friends with models" Petch and Walid "successful ITP media scion" Akawi. Or maybe they are the cover stars of the print version, which I can't be arsed to look at.

And before ITP slaves point out that my criticism comes out of jealousy, or that it's great how they have inspired this post, they are wrong. My sources tell me that Ahlan has been turned down more times than Britney Spears' rehab counsellor.